Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Yes, this must be a book; no other place
Could epics, heroes, tales like this one thrive.
Such sorrow graven on a heart and face
Belongs on paper only, not alive.

Oh, say it is a book, and turn the page,
As one who passes o'er what troubles him!
The evils gather, and the scandals rage--
Then turn, for honor pales and hope grows dim.

Why cannot this one drama, like the rest,
Like those of Greece, of England, of mankind,
Be put in poetry, the sins confessed,
And then forgot, for centures combined?

We are sad actors--we must play ourselves,
And cannot put our lives back on the shelves.


~im just only me~ said...

Ok, so i like this sonnet(?)and the idea is really great, but:
I kind of saw the turn coming from a mile away. Ideally one should be almost blindsided by the turn. I think thats partly from being familiar with such a train of thought and familiar with a sort of poetic convention (in this case the comparison of life to a play, thank you shakespeare), but even from your first line by saying "must" is a tip off. It seems like if youre going to use an extended metaphor you shouldnt give up on it the second you use it... so i guess my main thing is that your turn in the last couplet is seriously weakened... actually now that i think about it, maybe its because it doesnt flow right according to thought. You are convinced in the first and then not convinced, and then convinced again in the third, so by the last couplet, its like... duh. lol i dont know if that makes any sense whatsoever...
"Epics, heroes, tales"... parellel construction? (not grammatically but according to meaning/homeostatic property clusters) epics and tales are in the same realm (ie types of stories) but a hero is a character within that realm and really a different sort of thing altogether... just doesnt flow right for me or there is some kind of disconnect from the next two lines...
"centures"... i imagine you meant centuries...?
Your last couplet -- nice turn, but like i said, it seems weakened somehow by the beginning. Also as far as diction goes "sad actors"... sad is a super weak word (like bad or great or nice)...sad as in boohoo, or sad as in just amatures etc... and then actors; again a different realm? first youre talking about epics and the seemingly actual written word, but then you switch to drama and actors...the metaphor doesnt really follow, even if it is related ... even when you say drama i dont think its clear that youre changing to actually drama/theatre. Of course that could be a fault of the reader, but again, it turns into a mixed metaphor. Characters vs actors, novel vs play... etc...
Anywho, those are some initial convoluted thoughts which may or may not be worth anything..

Kar said...

Just passing by and wanted to drop you a note. I don't know if you want critiques but I'll pass for the now b/c critiqueing makes me have to think too hard. :) I just wanted to say, these words could be mine; I have been there. Thank you for sharing with us.

I am put in mind of Gandalf and Frodo talking (if you'll permit some LOTR)--

"I wish the ring had never come to me, Gandalf, and that none of this had ever happened."

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Hardest thing in the world, and I still stink at it. But I think I'm getting better (slowly). Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.

~im just only me~ said...

I take back some of what i said... I reread it a few times and it seems to flow better ideologically...i think the meter needs work, unless you meant to have some wrenched accents... ?

umblepie said...

Like it- thank you.

~im just only me~ said...

lol what the heck are "homeostatic property clusters"???... I'm a weirdo!

don't be emily said...

wow. that should be your pen name. homeostatic property clusters or whatever it was. not weirdo. And in order to apply any of what you said, I am going to have to put it in a word document with an extra wide margin like we used to have to draw in school and then cut and paste your comments in red so I can start my corrections. :)