Thoughts condensed like embers,
Amber-molten in the palm.
Was is all a dream? she said.
How much can I keep?
Thinks that she remembers.
Shuts hers eyes, stays very calm.
Puts her hands against her head.
Banks the embers deep.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
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6 comments:
i think the last line needs another foot?... just think it would sound better. Cool though, good imagery...
it mirrored the last line of the previous stanza....still change it?
yeah i dunno i read it again with that in mind, but it still seemed to be cut short... ? But i get what youre saying about parallel construction...
parallel construction is lovely. you should leave it. personally, i love short-up ends, simply because it catches one's eyes and causes them to notice what was just said, instead of nodding and continuing on...
I'm not greatly experienced in poetry so take this for what it's worth--for me the last line of both stanzas sort of catches me off guard b/c of being shorter than the ones above. On the other hand, secondary readings help. Also, I like how original the metaphor of "banking the embers deep" is. It's a neat concept.
I love play with words that fits the central theme... -I'm a gooey romantic at heart but also love that you can switch gears from time to time...
I really love pixie dust ^.^
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