I saw summer leaving, this last year.
He passed me on our street.
He tried to look past me, through me,
Anywhere but into eyes where he could see blame
Or pleading to stay.
He looked like a little boy that afternoon,
torn jeans, faded t-shirt, short shock of blond hair
and bare feet on a bike,
coasting down the hill
with the wind caressing his childhood tan.
It's hard to tell when you see him, sometimes;
he has so many different faces, from day to day.
But I knew it was him, that time--
Because he wouldn't look at me.
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18 comments:
really, I don't know how to comment on such excellence. forgive me.
if only i could write like this.
You're sweet. I knew you'd like that one. :)
hmm I like this poem. The images and idea are phenom... the last line seems hurried though...? I guess I expected it to linger a bit. Dunno :) Also, "his child's tan" just sounds weird. I know what you mean, but it sounds like the tan of his child instead of childhood tan... ladida...
I see what you mean....blah. That will bother me now till I fix it.
do not listen to cassie on the point of the child's tan... it did immediately what it was supposedto do: brought up a vision of deep golden skin offset by short sleeve lines and mischievous little eyes and dirty fingernails, lol.
However, she right about expecting it to linger a bit... kind of like the way summer and the setting sun linger; just long enough for one to wish they'd stay and then they break your heart by dissapearing.
I'm not arguing the power of the image... it delivered just fine -- well more than fine :) -- I'm just speaking of syntax here and unwarranted ambiguity...
do you have to appeal to the latent, or not-so-latent, grammar teacher in me? lol. and i'll have to work on adding a few more lines. i see what you both mean on that. it's hard to see it yourself sometimes, ya know...anywho...glatic.
lol sorry i cant help it! As for the last line, i think even an extra word, two syllables, in the last line would do the trick... if you add another line you get away from the sonnet feeling.... even... again... i dont know some kind of time or limiting or reservation type word... if that makes any sense lol
yeah, like fleeing, after because or something like that.
xpadaptm
So I came back to read this little ditty to my friend because I very much like it.... but then alas! the last line that I liked so much was changed! I liked how before it said "because he wouldn't look at me" because it provoked the imagination to the little lad on his bike riding away....
But in the same instance, I can see that it could be argued for proper grammar -I also liked more "his child's tan", btw :)-- and form's sake that the new must stay.
But no matter.... Your skills are good.
PS: Though I am wishing for more snow, I hope that your neck of the woods stays sunny ;-)
...there is no sun in her neck of the woods..errm city.. lol... well not to belabor the point, but the last line seems well, belabored now... i know i know malcontent :P lol
yeah. apparently i just can't win. :P so why do i listen to you guys again? i liked it better before too.
Sweet! You changed it back! :) I do really like the last line! Makes the whole poem believable :)
--oh oh! And I've a feeling that my wish for sun in her neck of the city? came true! Haha!
--And I've a close to real word verif! "unders" :-P lol
-unders- oh my...
~ionalast
I tried changing the punctuation on the line before...don't know if that changes how it reads enough?
Ill come back in a couple of weeks... get it out of my head first :)
Hey! So for some reason this morning as I thought of St. Patrick's day two years past...I thought that summers will never be the same :-(
And this poem somehow says that to me.... As it did the first time I read it, but this morning, it hit home, no longer vague....
My Katie, how I miss you!
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